Wasted days and wasted nights

[Admin]

New schedule starting next week, good

New work schedule starting next week, good, cause tired of coming home early in the morning as in between 1-3 am, it's just depressing to me, I don't like driving at night anymore, mainly do to how today most people drive with their high beams on.

But also it effects my mood, driving around in the swampy SE, at night, is just gloomy to me, unlike the SW or midwest, you can't see the horizon cause the tree line runs right next to highways, so unless at the beach, if in the SE, your rarely ever get to see the sun set cause the trees, and flat terrain prevent that.

And it just effects your mood after a while, at least mine.

I never thought, years ago, when got CDL, that I'd still be using it to earn a living, I only wanted to do it for a few years, tried stepping away a few times, the longest was for like 1 year maybe, but always end up coming back do to how low paying other jobs are, and or I'm not trained to do other jobs.

Trucking is just depressing to me now, most of the other drivers are Hispanic, or Haitian or just don't speak English to well, rarely do you see younger 'W' males under the age of 30 driving anymore, I'm not 'W', but those are the types I grew up around.

If you do see 'W' drivers they're usually older and depreped looking.

Driving is a lonely activity today

Every driver totally keeps to them self now, no longer is there that 'road commradity', that's been gone for at least a decade.

The old time C.B. Radio culture has long died away, now these newer drivers, it's all about the cell phone and headsets...it's just a lonely profession now days, and not even woman hang around truck stops like they use to do long ago, that's one reason that made truck stops so very exciting is that there were always 'Lot Lizards' around, which gave truck stops and rest areas a festive feel.....not anymore, now just old tired truck drivers or younger Spanish speaking ones, or urban 'B' drivers.

And I have no connection with any of them.

But next week start time will be around 9 am, till done...that's the closest I've had to normal schedule for about a year or more and I welcome it.

[Admin]

If around women like this daily, I'd be much happier

[Admin]

Coming off 4 days off, wow, wow, every week is like a holiday to me now.

But I don't always get much done with that time off.

Sometimes I just end up drinking to much and acting stupid.

Also tomorrow I start a earlier shift, for the last year or more, never started work until after 12 noon, which meant got to sleep in every single day, no matter what.

But now start time is around 9 am, so means have to get up at around 7 am.

I chose this, was given option of 9 am start time or 4 pm, chose 9 am.

I'll explain why I chose that time later.

Right now time to enjoy last hour or so off off time before bed.

Actually just woke up from drinking earlier, now about time to go to bed again to prepare for tomorrow.

Oh what a cycle of nothingness.

[Admin]

I think I'm going to like this new schedule better, where I start at 9 am instead of 2-4 pm, cause 'get home time' really does matter.

Getting home from 9-11, way better than getting home from 2am-4am, ye can still sleep in, but when get home that late or early, however you look at it, not much you feel like doing.

But when get home before midnight, like say from 9-11pm, than you still have some healthy time to deal with.

This new schedule makes it seem like I got a new job, and is more in rythmn with natural sleep cycle.

I hope it works out, we shall see.

[Admin]

When I get off work I feel so grouchy

When I get off work I sometimes feel so grouchy, or even the last hour of work.

Sure I only work 3 days a week, for now, but those days can be long.

And driving can get very frustrating during those long shifts.

You can be running right on time, then hit some 10 mile or 5 mile back up do to accident.

Like what occurred today on I-75.

I'm home now, so it'll all fade soon, but I don't like coming home feeling wore out and grouchy, cause it's 'me', it's my reality, and to feel that way robs from other better feelings.

In other words the only person being grouchy effects is me, no one else feels it other than me, so I'm only hurting self by feeling that way, is why I write about it, as a way of counseling self.

The day started off pretty good, but then shipper was late releasing trailer which just set chain reaction of things after that.

I mean I know 1000's other caught up in that terrible back up, but sometimes I feel as if everything bad just curves around 'me'.

And that everyone else there were just 'props'.

[Admin]

I like to compare my mood before work week, then after work week

Before my work week begins, I'm a different person all together, I'm rested, creative, more playful, happier, more optimistic about things, and more, but then last day of work week, whatever I was enthused about before work week, is gone, and replaced by 'nothingness', like stripped down to being nothing but a human mule.

Work can be liberating or degrading to your soul, it really just depends on where you are in life.

There was a time when 5, 10 hour days would of seemed fine and normal to me, now it seems like absurdity, and cruelty.

I don't know anyone who's worked those kind of hours, to be better off now that older, earning money like that will just wear down your body, there's only so long a window in your life that you can do that, then what?

The rich and successful people 'flip things', like houses, Real Estate, or play the market, or other such schemes, but they most certainly aren't out there in the dirt digging.

Most of us work longer and harder than athletes, and even Athletes have very short windows for which they can accel at their sport, then they have to retire.

I need another plan, I'm taking online course right now, but have lost enthusiasm for it, but can't, for it's a skill I'll need down the road when can't do this anymore, plus already paid for it.

And all that investment stuff?, money just bores me to be honest with you, or the pursuit of it, it just bores me.

I just wish I had it, without spending hours, or years trying to get it.

I'm almost just willing to accept my fate that one day I'll just be living on the streets, like more and more people are, either that or commit a federal crime when to old to work anymore and just go to prison and let the state take care of me till the end.

Nah, I think I'd rather just be homeless, cause at least I'd be free to wake up and do as I please, and then when got tired of living, well.

[Admin]

I hate how I feel when I first get off of work

As I sit here, I just feel so 'blank' on the inside, no emotion, no nothing, no happiness or sadness, it's as if just 'here', like a tree stump.

That's what long hours of mundane work does to you if heart not into it.

A rewarding job is when you get home and can reflect on people you helped during the day, or made laugh, or flirted with ect...but on my job, there's none of that.

Driving is a very lonely trade, and unless already married or hitched, you won't meet any one in the driving industry interested in getting to know you.

Don't get me wrong, lot's of drivers live very fulfilled lives, some even drive and take their spouse along, or even whole family, they just stuff them all in the sleeper!

I've seen it all, or they take their pets with them.

So not all drivers will have my unique outlook.

Not sure what happened with me, I guess when younger, and did love trucking, and lot lizards abundant back then, I was to proper to 'dive in'..

If a male, and proper when younger, you end up older, with nothing, remember that.

Males who sinned when younger, are now sorrounded by way more love than I'll have for the rest of my life.

Lesson learned.

I followed 'God' when younger = nothing when older

Males who lived wild when younger, slept around = Now that older they have small feet's, grandsmall feet's, wives, lovers, family and more...hmm, lessons learned.

[Admin]

About the only good thing about driving anymore is you sure do get to see plenty of feet all day long, as women love to toss their feet up for the whole world to see, very odd, but I don't mind

[Admin]

What I day

And I have nothing left now, cause got to bed down and do it again tomorrow.

I only keep this job cause it's 3 days a week, it's the only reason why I keep the job, but that means when do work, shifts are longer is why I come home feeling so flat at times.

I didn't even want to taste a 'beer' when I got in, that's how 'flat' I felt, defeated, deflated and spent.

Driving can really take a lot out of you, it just depends, so much depends on environment, I mean when I drove years ago, I loved it and it energized me cause I was in a different place mentally, and of course younger, and the driving culture was different, you never felt alone out there, drives, we kept each other entertained through the C.B. Radio and it was just fun, today all that's gone, and I haven't used a C.B. in years.

Many drivers now don't even speak English, and those who do no nothing about the C.B. radio culture of old.

So when driving around for hours and hours with no one to interact to it can get bland, is why I listen to a lot of talk radio....music, not so much, cause music just depresses me..why?

Music or certain songs, just remind me of a past where I thought by now I'd be a lot more successful in life, and the fact that I'm not, just makes me sad, when I hear certain songs.

Songs remind me also of friendships that are no more, family times, that are no more, even pets, that are no more, so driving around listening to music just saddens me.

Anyways, it's time for bed, two more days of this than off for either 3 days or 4, they mix it up weekly, I think so you won't try getting a second job.

[Admin]

If you do decide to get into trucking, better make sure you already have a solid social life, for you sure won't find it these days in OTR type of driving

I'm off now, but was watching a movie, and in the movie, as most companies do, they held a banquet, where people showed up, socialized, ect, and I thought to myself how that never happens in most trucking companies, mainly do to the fact that drivers are never off all at the same time.

But what I'm saying is with more traditional job settings, that's how you meet the people you work around, and possibly even find a date, assuming eligible women are present or if a woman eligible men.

In OTR type of driving there is no type of company gatherings, and if so it's usually some dry safety meeting type stuff where people show up in work clothes.

In other words there's just no glitz.

And most drivers aren't style conscious at all, not in the least bit.

So if a guy or gal into 'glitz', forget about finding it in trucking.

But that no glitz lifestyle appeals to some actually, but not me, at least not anymore.

There's nothing that binds drivers together anymore, and more and more drivers speak Spanish or Russian or other language, so if a English speaker, even though in America, you'll feel isolated.

And on occasion you do see a female driver, which is occurring more and more, there's about zero chance of romance coming from the encounter.

For most women, learning to drive big rig, even though now more and more of them are automatic, is an empowering thing, and their ego blow up larger than what they normally are.

So even if you try to make 'small talk' with a female driver, you just get that 'Hey, just cause I'm a female driver doesn't mean you can hit up on me' type of BS.

So again, if a male, you best already have a wife or girlfriend to support you, cause you sure won't find them out on the road anymore, you don't even see lot lizards like you use to at truck stops, everything has totally changed.

I'm a guy, but still can't tell you the last time I've seen a male truck driver who looked 'cool' to me, like model cool, like TV truck driver cool, instead most slump around like Mr Roper on 3's company.

Anyways, after seeing that scene in movie of nicely dressed up company people hanging out at banquet, I just thought how the opposite it is in trucking, where you're just all alone, and where most drivers very anti social these days and shy.