Brick wall

[Admin]

I feel totally useless to myself right now.

[Admin]

If God or fate gave me another 1000 years, I'd probably waste away all that time also.

[Admin]

My whole life has been one big brick wall



My whole life has been one big brick wall.

One big mistake.

[Admin]

It's Monday



It's Monday.
I worked out late yesterday evening in the dark, but woke up this morning feeling more like I had a hangover than that I had worked out the previous night.
Body chemistry is just weird like that.

Well, I'm going to workout again after this, why not, what else can I do with my anxioty other than workout.
Drink? Hell no, not right now, that would just make things worse, like putting your head in the sand.

Right now, the best thing for me to do is to stand up to reality and just face it 'as is', ugliness and all, just face it, get punched in the face by it.

People are ugly, the human condition is ugly.
The person who acts the nicest on the surface is ugly and harbors deep down or even surface biases and bigotry towards others.
There's actually no reason for Jesus to have died for anyone on this planet, we're just flesh, we age, get sick, and rot like all other lifeforms.

We manipulate truths and stories to fit our own needs, we are an ugly species, our natures are ugly, period.
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Heck, even people who claim to know Jesus are ugly and vile and bigoted and mean and scared on the inside and use 'Jesus' and the gospel to slay others.

Anyways, nothing much any of us can do unless lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family that value you.

And with that, it's time to go work off some anxioty and workout for a bit.

[Admin]

Feel like I'm in a repeating nightmare of failure that will just never end.
They say, and I know, in order to cope with stuff or a situation you don't like, you have to change your attitude...but to me that's kind of like defeat.

You have to convince yourself that being 'abused' is OK...
And when I say being abused, I mean that in a broader symbolic way, as in anytime you're in a situation you don't like or that doesn't favor you or your interests, you're basically being abused and your physical time and energy are being exploited more so for another gain, or a companies gain.

For instance, I can never go back to a company where all I am is blind mindless labor, or have to 'cover up', as in wear safety gear etc.

I value looks, style, flair, fashion, and I'm sick of working for places where you have to hide who you are for some greater good or compliance...F that.

Do not bury me while I'm still alive.
I want to live and shine, I want people to see how good I can look, no more hiding me out in the back rooms or buried deep in a truck away from society...F that.

Whatever few years of physical prosperity I have left, I want to live and physically shine!

[Admin]

I always pause...when I'm doing something...or about to, I pause, and space out and waste time, instead of just getting it done.
I could get 20 times more out of my days, I believe, if I just didn't pause so much.

[Admin]

It's why I'm not a successful winner, cause I always pause...and not sure why. I guess I don't like feeling like I have to do anything...I don't know, I just know that mindset of mine totally hurts my productivity and if I don't get it under control I'll never amount to anything, and lose what little I still have.

[Admin]

I'm terrible at time management...it's like I just have a lazy brain, and I'll waste large swaths of the day doing absolutely nothing, and then get to a paid job, and while on the paid job which I don't like and can't wait to get off, once off and get home, I once again sit and do nothing.