Wasted days and wasted nights

[Admin]

Threshold effect

Threshold effect, as applied to me what it means is there's good and bad to all situations, when the bad begins to have more influence on 'said situation', than ship begins to sink.

Bad example.

Or actually maybe it is, imagine water in a ship, there's so much water that ship can take on before it starts to sink.

There's so much water ship can take on, and it doesn't even effect performance, but to much water and the ship sinks.



Imagine your, our, bodies are that ship, our lives our that ship, a ship is designed to take a lot of stress, and even water, but when the stress and water level reaches ships threshold to withstand it, than the ship begins to sink, slowly or quickly, don't matter, the end result is a sunken ship.

That threshold of stress, water, we can take in our lives changes with age and circumstances.

When younger, say just married or out of college or fresh in the military, the threshold of what you're willing to take is much higher than say when you're older, divorced, body aches and more past in your life than future, now the threshold of what you'll take lowers, what you can take lowers, before starts effecting your health.

My threshold is much lower now, for whatever reasons, it just is, I'm not willing to destroy my own moral for the sake of a paycheck or company anymore, I've got no reason to, I mean as long as I can pay the basics in life, I'll be fine.

And every job has different stresses.

In transportation, as a driver, you work alone, you have no co-workers cheering you up, no one to elevate your moral (most drivers glued to cell phone now days though, always talking to their pals or wife or lover)...but me, no, I talk to no one, so when out there just out there alone, and feel alone.

I use to enjoy that when younger, I really did, but back then had the C.B. radio and always chatting on it.

Back then had dreams, and trucking or driving was just suppose to be one phase of my dreams...well that time came and went, now just a job.

A brutal job, depending on the type of trucking.

I don't need brutal anymore, not in the military, not fighting for anything.

The only nation I serve now is self, when younger wanted to serve the world, but people found other hero's.

I still have spirit, but it's finicky, and only comes out if I take care of the body and mind and get plenty of rest.

There is no perfect environment in this world, let's face it, there just isn't.

Can move, and the devil can move in right next to you.

So it's all about managing what you can in your life to make it as stress free as possible.

Cause when health goes, you just may as well be dead.

Guard your health at all cost, but if have to sacrifice your health, make sure you do it for a worthy cause..that 'cause' has to matter to 'you', not others, but you.

[Admin]

About to 'hit it', which means dive into work, a totally different realm of existance, totally different.

I so envy those to whom when they work they can 'play' and imagine, and escape into different roles, characters, that's called the profession of acting or even animation.

I wish I had made better career decisions when younger, but not all my fault, I just didn't have a lot of guidance, hardly any at all actually, is why I am where I am in life right now and who who I am.

Not the worse spot to be, but far from the best spot to be considering all the potential I had.

When I go to work, non of that matters all that matters is the whip, and 'ya, ya, giddie up boy, ya ya, whip'

Oh the agony of it...later.

[Admin]

Sometimes I feel like I'm apart of an experiment.

Let's take a all around perfect person, clean life, above decent looks, solid, and lets see what happens if they're alienated their whole life, will they crack?....says the scientist.

I read stories about people who get drug addicted, destroy not just their lives, but other peoples lives, then they recover, and next thing you know living fairytale life, married, small feet's, and so forth.

I just scratch my head.

People who actually do harmful things, end up blessed with their own families and treated normally.

Where as I've never done any of that, yet kept distant like the plague or something.

I at times feel as if apart of some experiment, by Aliens or the Gov or just sinsister forces out there.

Tonight will be yet another lonely night on the job, very lonely night, I wish I didn't have to bear it.

[Admin]

I feel connected to no one or nothing right now, it's akin to just floating in outer space, far away from any gravitational body, just floating, drifting with the cosmic space wind.

Not being pulled towards anyone or anybody, or anything, and nothing being pulled towards you.

Just an object in space, millions of miles from anything, that's how I feel right now, that's kind of my reality at the moment.

[Admin]

I feel like garbage right now, the last 4 days of work have just run me into the ground.

I feel like I should of woke up inside a coffin or something.

I measure a jobs likability for me by how I feel when off, and if a job always leaves me feeling terrible once I'm off than at my stage of life it's time to start looking for another gig.

Not sure if it's the job or something else.

I buy food when out there working, maybe it's when I step into these stores and buy deli food, that's been sitting, and if sitting, things can settle on the food including, yes the 'C' word.

I've never been tested for the 'C' word, have no reason to get tested, cause if I tested positive, what would I do?
I can't just stop working, I don't have millions saved up to where I can just stop working and stay at home.
Nor do I have anyone else to bring home the bacon or feel sorry for me or anything, so I have to keep trudging along whether the 'C' word or Cancer or anything else, I just don't have the luxury of stopping until dead.

But that side, it just seems now days as soon as you leave your place, your bodies so under attack by so many viruses and bacteria and germs and more, you have to have a super immune system to not be effected by any of it.

Seems you get over one thing, or cold, and 10 more are lined up to assault your body.

And yes, people seem to forget, the regular 'cold' virus is still out there, just now everyone panics and assumes every and anything they get must be the 'C' word.

Oh well, I'm off for the next few days, I feel like I could use a whole week of though.

[Admin]

After a while you just get tired of it all

After a while, OK, many years ago, you just get sick of it all.

Jobs, employment, dealing with people who initially try to blame you, when it wasn't your fault, you just get sick of it all.

It's like being apart of a perminant slave class, when you can never earn enough to relax, than yes, you're apart of a glorified slave class.

I just don't need a 'boss' anymore or a supervisor or any of it, but of course that's part of the condition of being employed anywhere if working for another.

I'm just tired of it all, but until have independent income stream, or win the lottery, not much I can do about it other than find jobs that least interfere with my way of life.

[Admin]

About to check phone text messages

About to check text messages on phone...so what big deal you say?

Ye, but haven't heard from boss in almost a week, and last we had communications things were a bit bumpy, in the end I did nothing wrong though, I was 'off', they received erroneous info that I was suppose to work (I wasn't), rather larger company their contracted with did not update the info on their side.

All that being said, it was a tense moment cause as owner they thought they had to find a 'fill in' at the last moment..after that didn't hear from them since, even though turns out I was right and didn't have to work.

But still 'pride' comes into play, and I texted them after that, after having a few drinks, and texting and drinking is not advised...so not sure how they took my texts, maybe they thought I was being 'mean'.

Either way, haven't heard from them since so about to check phone now, cause when turned phone on could here all the updated texts recieved sounds.

A bit nervious, cause I do want the job still, easy laid back job compared to most, yes I could afford to take a few months off it I wanted to, but that just puts you two months behind on pay, on saving for greater things.

So if they 'let me go' in this text, I'll deal with it, cause no matter what will only work part time going forward, will get a roommate if have to, tired of busting butt 5-6 days for change, haven't done that in over 1 1/2 and can't see myself going back to that type of schedule, not in this industry anyways, trucking that is, a very lonely type of job environment.

If had wife, or girlfriend or even a friend, I'd be telling this to them right now, but since I don't, I'm writing out my nervious energy instead.

Time to read text, will let you know what it said.

[Admin]

Continued from above....

It's all good, I think him and his 'lover' going through some stuff, as in my bosses Lady friend has been sick lately, as in in and out of the Hospital and all.

Many women, particularly 'B' women of color, don't realize that being 'fat' over the age of 30 isn't good, a body is a body and fat is fat and a heart is a heart, and all that 'booty' crap from rap videos, those women shaking their 'booty', well if don't shed that 'booty' after age 30, that booty will come back to haunt you and effect your health.

That whole wide 'booty' rap culture is a death trap for women, makes them think that being fat or having a fat butt is good, when it's not.

That aside, it's all good and I still have a job.

[Admin]

Bored

Bored, I went to work, and while at work told didn't have to work till later, so came back home with company vehicle, but got to go back to work here soon, so bored.

Why?

Cause what can you do with 3 hours of off time?, can't drink, can't get wild, can't really get into anything fun, so it just feels odd, being off, but not really off, but rather waiting to finish off short shift later tonight, but cool that 'boss' allowed me to stay on the clock, so getting paid to sit at home, I guess I can't complain about that, but still bored.

[Admin]

I'm scheduled to work today/night

I was going to say 'I have to work today and tonight', but then realize I don't have to do anything, but I'm scheduled to work tonight and into the early morning, which I think absolutely sucks.

Cause New Years Eve, night, early morning, one of the most dangerous days of the year to be out on the roads.

I let my boss know that I wasn't really pleased, although it's not them making the schedule.

If things don't change after the Holidays, I'm leaving.

I need to go back to my 3 on, 4 off schedule, I need a life now, I mean the title of this section is

Wasted days and wasted Nights

It's titled that for a reason, cause industry, be it trucking or other, will waste your days and nights if you let it, and then when done, or injured or have accident, they dismiss you as if don't even have a soul, and they never remember you, ever.

Industry, and or even trucking, is not your friend, you're simply a useful utility to them, like a fork or spoon.

If this continues after the 1st, I'm putting in my 2 week notice, but hopefully it won't cause I signed a contract at beginning of employment that agreed to 3 days on, 4 days off.

So before I quit, I'd simply play the 'contract' card.

Either way, old enough now to realize don't ever keep doing anything that's not working for you, the minute 'it', whatever it is, stops working for you, than you're working for it.

As far as jobs go, my industry saturated with open positions, so that gives me a lot of leverage.