Diary of a ghost

[Admin]

It's all about mood and timing.

Stay tuned, lots more to follow}

[Admin]

Time to cleanse shelves

All it took was one ugly insect on shelf to make me now want to 'cleanse' it, which means throwing everything on shelf out or away or packing it into a box.

I don't even want to say what type of insect it was as to not even give it, or the spirit that put it there, the glory of name recognition.

Sprayed after sickening insect jumped onto some bottles, sprayed area with household chemicals, bleach, Raid and more, nothing could have, should have survived that, but when removed bottles, this sick insect wasn't there.

Which makes me even more determined to clear out shelf, and throw all papers, and any other stuff away so that grimy critters can't hide within the midst.

And there's similar parallels to real life.

The more you clean up your life, the less hiding spaces for 'critters' to dwell in the mess, so best to keep things simple, clean and focused.

Now where's my garbage can cause I have a lot of stuff to discard.

[Admin]

Was about to go out, but view from place is peaceful enough, plenty of food here, nice and cool, where will I find the same 'out there'?

Think I'll just stay in and be a loner nerd.

Hard to get in trouble while 'in'.

It's not like I'm going to go out alone, and suddenly meet perfect mate in park or at beach, fall in love, get married, have small feet's and live happily ever after.

Think I'll just stay in...nerdy as that is.

[Admin]

It's hard to be alone, and a male in this world at times, in that you have absolutely no one, nothing, to confide in, no where to go emotionally when feeling doubtful, no where to go for a reassuring hug.

Everyone expects you to be strong and hard, and to not care about little things.

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Turned on news for about 10 seconds this morning and all they're doing is looping the tragedies of last week over and over again.

Looping and playing again and again the screams of Nice France tragedy, looping and playing over and over again the failed coupe attempt in Turkey, earning money, viewership, sponsors, from re looping tragedies over and over again, so I just turned TV right back off.

At least for now I don't want to be apart of any news shows ratings when all they're doing is looping tragedy over and over again...then if not the tragedies of past week, they go back to previous week and loop those tragedies over and over again.

Life is full of tragedy, we've been touched by it, will be touched by it again, but between my own personal tragedies I don't need to spend my time consumed with the tragedy of others, while eating popcorn.

[Admin]

Blogging vs writing a letter or emailing

When you write a letter to someone, they may never even open it up.

When you email someone, they may delete it after reading, all your thoughts thrown away in an instant.

But when you blog, thoughts aren't so easily disposed of, are there, for a very long time, for others to read, comprehend and or relate to over hours, days, weeks, years and even decades or longer.

Blogging your thoughts give your thoughts a much longer shelf life than bungling all your thoughts and passion to 1 specific individual, who'll simply bury your sentiment or hide it from others.

Cave writings last a lot longer, seen, read by way more than if same cave writings had been written on paper and sent to one individual who would of simply thrown your thoughts away after they read it.

[Admin]

Think I come here when I want to hide and be quiet.

Use to think I wanted fame, but 'fame' can be dangerous, the more people that know you, of you, the more dangerous it is for you.

Fame is only good if wealthy enough to hide behind mansion walls.



But if famous, get famous, yet still as broke and poor as those around you, with no security, life can become scary, cause now everyone knows you're famous, and approachable.

Fame is only acceptable, to me, if able to live away from general population, for your own safety and privacy.

I have a celebrity personality, but exist in a grey working class environment.

I need to move to area where entertainment is the industry, like Vegas, Reno, Atlantic city area.

I don't know...I say I want to be in entertainment, but it takes work, guts and bravado.

And lots of 'live' action rejection, you have to learn how to handle rejection in a friendly none personal manner.

Sure I could go possible make a bunch of strangers laugh tonight, but at end of night, next day, nothing will have changed.

If anything it's like giving away your talent for free, but at least you get stage time, time to practice or polish your craft.

But not like any agents in crowd that can give you a life changing contract, that type of stuff only occurs in the movies.

Not sure how hungry I am for it anymore.

Yet at the same time living regular normal blue collar 7-5 life and fading into nothing, that's not very inspiring either.

In blue collar world just looked at as blind mindless labor, no other aspect about your life matters to anyone at work.

Oh well, got a lot of thinking to do.

[Admin]

People who witness

I don't mind people who witness for their church, but do get annoyed by how most do it.

Please, if knock on door, don't ask me this question

'Do you know Jesus?, are you saved?

First off, doubt there's a person alive on this planet who doesn't know of 'Jesus', either through school, being brought up in church early on, or just through popular media or the holidays, or own parents instilling taking you to church while young, and maybe embracing 'Christ' on own personal life early on, and or maybe still into salvation.

But when they knock on your door, they just assume you've been living in a vacuum all your years alive, and never heard of Jesus, the bible, scripture, nothing, as if just landed from the moon.

For those who witness, don't treat others as if so dead dumb, you start off on the wrong foot by doing that and seem plastic.

It's not 'Jesus' most people have issues with, it's administrations that represent him, in all their different forms, ideologies, and theories, and practices.

Most don't, or didn't, run from 'Jesus', they ran or run from the above.

Most people just want to meet other people whom they can trust, of like mind, whether these people center around Christ or aviation or playing pool.

When knocking on someone door, and 'witnessing', should know this ahead of time.

People are struggling with a lot today, bills, debt, unemployment, and last thing many need to hear by a stranger is that on top of everything else 'you' the witness, think they're going to 'hell' cause in 5 minutes of discussion they haven't convinced you otherwise.

Get real people.

And be better prepared if knocking on someones door to 'witness'.

[Admin]

I have to go sign lease again, for another year, I was so holding out, hoping I wouldn't have to, so hoping that when this time came my fiscal fortunes would be so good that I could leave, but not so, still stuck in fiscal hell, so to speak.

Earn enough to not be on the streets, but not enough to get ahead on pay check alone.

It's like being in fiscal purgatory. (A term made up here on the spot)

Yes, fiscal purgatory, where you're just stuck, can't move, can't do nothing other than pay basic bills and hope nothing major goes wrong.

Sometimes actually losing all, or getting fired, is what you need, in that it forces you then to seek new opportunities beyond comfort zone.

Sometimes comfort zones can work against us, make us not want to take chances anymore, and chance taking is the only way most get ahead.

I guess I'm OK with staying here a bit longer, I just hate paper work, trying to put this off, hate signing crap, hate having crap explained to me that I already know.

When rich, you don't have to worry about any of the small details.

I could be rich, or wealthier again, if I'd get off me but and find some motivation, but again being rich requires taking risks, and risk puts stress on thy mind and body.

I'm not wealthy now, but at least not stressing, so there's a bit of a trade off.

I've been everything, rich, poor, middle class, low class, homeless, homeowner, land owner, and barely making it...

That's life for most, it's not some steady graphic line upward unless life well planned...for some it is, I guess, but for me it's not.

Right now I'm poor, but comfortable, hardly no stress, and I like that, cause it's good for my health, keeps me young, can workout and do.

I've seen what stress does to people, how it changes their physical appearance, makes their hair grey, makes them grouchy.

I'm not accomplishing much right now, but at least I'm not stressing out over stuff, not earning much, but nor am I losing 1000's, like back when was a contractor.

So again you have to weigh it all, but eventually I will get back in 'the game'...

Have to, cause have to build 'cushion' eventually or will come back to bite you when older.

Anyways, back soon, Diary of a ghost

[Admin]

Disastrous Friday evening

What a disastrous Friday evening, wait all day for Friday to arrive, then when does, waste it away on nothing.

A few drinks, a few chores, then fall asleep, wake up later, and still feel anxious.

Weekends aren't long enough to get act together.

It's why I'm awake now, to utilize as much time as I can, cause the weekend clock is ticking.

And speaking of clocks, none in place, haven't had a clock inside any place I've lived for years, they make no sense to me anymore.

One the job, yes, once home, no.

Clocks are like doomsday devices to me now, when at home.

Well not the most exiting post, did work out a bit.

Other than that a very draby disappointing Friday for myself.

[Admin]

Sometimes a comfortable low pay job, with no future, yet that is stable, can be your worst enemy

Agitation is what spawns change or desire to in one in agitating situation.

The scary thing about 'comfortable' jobs is there's really no agitation, so you get seduced to stay do to stability of it.

Like a bad marriage that only provides the basics, but offer nothing else other than food, shelter.

Sometimes you get that job, with pay, that holds you in like employment purgatory (A term just made up here.

Where as you're not really moving up or down, but kind of stuck in holding pattern.

Looking back at my own past, it's when I was in agitation situation, that I made the biggest strides, cause you're motivated to get out of situation.

Sometimes I think it's almost a trick to pay people just enough to pay bills, but not enough to prosper

Especially as you get older, more tired, and willing to take less risks.

But it's a trap, cause as soon as something goes wrong, your finished, done, as in injury, or get fired, or other.

While younger and healthy, you need more, 'more' = insurance later on in life when begin to tire.

If always working with minimums, you're as good as chop chuey as soon as things hit the fan.

Cause as soon as physically of no more use to company, they don't know you anymore, they way insect colonies dump the dead and crippled from Hive.

Point of this post, I guess, is don't be seduced by average results, life, or in the end it will bite you.