Diary of a ghost

[Admin]

I think it's Wednesday

Things are changing quick.
I'm about to go from the world of obscure online writing, to the world of real life production projects on real sets, and working with a real life industry pro/veteran.
I'm paying for it though (stupid me).
As such, I have to change a lot of my mental habits, as well as physical ones.
For one, no more drinking.
Drinking, at least for me, totally hampers my enthusiasm for anything, and totally messes up my moods, especially the morning after you drink, and during the whole day sometimes.

And I'll start having to utilize my time way way way better, no more vain 'to do lists', that have me doing things that don't matter for squat.
And I'm going to start getting back into near athlete shape, for my own sake, cause I'm going to need all the energy I can get, to get through this phase of my life.

I'm like doing a total life change, and not sure how to feel about it right now.
It's one thing to wish for things, and change, when you're drunk, its another thing to actually execute those changes when given the chance, and then you have other evaluating you as well = pressure = accountability.


Anyways, time to get started on stuff, no more ducking away from unpleasant tasks.
Time will tell if I'm up for the task or if I'm just a big bluffer to myself and or others.

[Admin]

I have a hot rod car now, a romancey one, yet it's Friday night, and I'm sitting my butt right at home.
That's called age...lol

[Admin]

I literally feel like I'm in some alternate universe right now



I feel like I'm in some alternative universe right now.
I feel distant from my current reality, in that my current reality has changed so much over the past few months, that, I don't know, not sure how my inner self is relating to it, or if at all.

I mean you spend, I spent, so much of my adult life dreaming of what I really wanted to do, and then when actually start doing it, it's like a shock onto the system, the consciousness.

Sounds odd, I know.
Not sure what to make of it yet, and or if capable of rising up to the new occasion and actully helping self turn life around, meet new people, be thrust into new environments, challengers, and more.

I wonder if anyone else has gone through the same?

[Admin]

Nothing online interests me anymore, there's no more 'fun spot', no more places I look forward to going while online.
Twitter is all but dead, unless just like commenting on meaningless videos that are generated around the clock by bot accounts....but there's no discussion there anymore.

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Oh well, been laying around all day recovering....there's always homework I can do (film school stuff)

And I have a sports car parked outside, and yet still, on a Friday night, have no desire to go anywhere.
I have no friends, where would I go?

[Admin]

I'm also learning that a part of me is afraid of moving forward and succeeding....and not really sure why?
Why would I not want to succeed?
Is it do to years of not succeeding, and drinking, and living such a ordinary life?
And or is it do to laziness?
Failure, after a while, can make one lazy, has probably made me lazy, cause success takes 'work', takes time and energy. Success takes the burning of calories, commitment.

I think I've just gotten lazy over the years, to where it's now easier for me to talk or write about my dreams, gifts, talents, rather than fulfill them.

[Admin]

How am I doing?
I don't know.
I do know I haven't any friends in this world..or family, as far as that's concerned.

No one has taken interest in me in my prime, or ever will, that much I do know.
So I kind of fool myself by thinking 'if I just do this, or if I just do that, things will change'...no they won't.

How people choose to percieve me will never ever change, as such I'll always be isolated and alone, even when successful. (if that even ever happens)

[Admin]

May 4, 2024 23:05:03 GMT Admin said:

How am I doing?
I don't know.
I do know I haven't any friends in this world..or family, as far as that's concerned.

No one has taken interest in me in my prime, or ever will, that much I do know.
So I kind of fool myself by thinking 'if I just do this, or if I just do that, things will change'...no they won't.

How people choose to percieve me will never ever change, as such I'll always be isolated and alone, even when successful. (if that even ever happens)

In this world, you can't worry about who likes you or not, in this world, you just gotta do what you gotta do to get what you want...period (within a reasonable manner, of course)

[Admin]

If I'm going to make it going forward, than I really need to get my mental act together, I mean big time.
I've been slacking in so many areas of my life.
Haven't really made any progress in life for years, just treading water...last job, income wise, a waste of time....right now I feel doomed, I just do.
I feel I just cannot overcome all the negative factors of this world, the world man has constructed.
Evil, in some shape or form, always seems to find you, no matter what.

To me, time is evil.

[Admin]

my place is no more, the units I was staying in caught fire, so everyone in that building is without a home tonight.
I lived there for over 12 years...now what?
Never been in this position before.
I was on a roll to, in film school, life was looking good, then this happens.
Oh well.
In a hotel room now, and not the best kind.

[Admin]

Going through some hard times right now...last place caught fire and all my stuff destroyed, well, not really. But what wasn't destroyed by the fire, was destroyed by the firemen spraying water everywhere and knocking stuff over...I lost 1000's of dollars of stuff, passwords, discs, books, usb cables, printer, and so much more...I gotta get back into that place and retrieve what I can, cause I can't really heal and move forward until that process is allowed to happen.
And I may sue...electrical problems with apartment complex, we shall see.

I can't type long cause until I get new power cord for this laptop, going on battery power only.
The cord should arrive sometime Sunday by Amazon.