Alcohol spectrum

[Admin]

So close to giving in

One of those days where there's or there was no more highlights, felt alone, but felt like natural mood cycle wasn't good enough, so I drove to liquor store and bought two 4-packs of beer and one very small Burban half pint.

Drank a few sips of the Burbon, drank literally one sip of beer, then I just stopped....why?

Cause although my body isn't 100%...still have a few muscle aches, and joint soreness, yet my energy level is superb, and it's like I got a boost of energy, right before about to take second swallow of beer, and I just stopped.

I felt sorry for my body...it's as if my body was trying to say 'Just give us a bit more time to heal'...and well, I just felt sorry for my body, cause my bodie's been so good to me, better than my behavior deserves...so I stopped drinking.

Probably had less than 2 tea spoons of beer and booze combined.
Any more than that and I might not have been able to stop...but I just, I don't know...I respect and like life.

I know my body, my organs are me, but in a way they're still seperate life from my soul, and so who am I to damage them by drinking? Is how I felt at that moment, for some odd reason.

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Drinking myself drunk would not have solved a thing in my life, and would have pretty much rendered tomorrow useless, cause would have spent 3/4's of the day in bed recovering and then feeling depressed.

Look, choosing not to drink tonight, at this moment, isn't gonna magical change or reverse anything negative in my life...isn't gonna garner me any new friend, or bring back old ones...so I guess I just did it cause, well, it was the right thing to do.
I've got health momentum going on right now, and maybe my body just needs a bit more time to totally heal up.
And there's a few other things I need to cut out of my life like sauces, which contain high fructose corn syrap, which is crack cocaine of sugar, and a few other things that do with diet.

I'm exercising daily, but still my future is as uncertain as ever.

I'm a lonely soul just trying to navigate through this world, a older lonely soul at that...I don't expect much positive outcome anymore, but I do desire peace, a peaceful existence and environment...and you can't have peace within if your body is sick or sickly and or in pain.

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Anyways, evening, here I come, sober and all, oh Lord have mercy...

[Admin]

Right now I feel like being drunk, without getting drunk...does that make sense?

I feel like being in that drunk state of mind, but without all the beer and physicality of it all.

[Admin]

There's something about 'club drinking', that makes me feel sick, or leaves me feeling odd, compared to when I just drink at home.

[Admin]

Even though I went out a drank last night, I still, first thing this morning, got up and had a light biking/walking workout.

Had to.

[Admin]

It's Friday night, not drinking, how could I at this stage of my development and current reality.

Drinking has destroyed so much potential I had in the past, so many wasted days and nights just drinking at home, by myself, alone, instead of planning and scheming and getting ahead.

Drinking hogged all my time, and just made me want to stay home, online, and behave silly to and for myself.
Not sure if I can ever fully recover from that, the lost opportunities that is.

Sure, I'm still relatively healthy, for now.

I don't know.
Anyways, it's Friday, and that fact that I'm sober is a good thing, I suppose.

[Admin]

Did I ever fight in me, or was it just the alcohol and booze talking for the last decade or so?

[Admin]

Just wrapped up late evening walk/stretching/biking routine

Why am I posting that here?
Cause still sober, and all things aside, I feel pretty good, even my mood is decent even though I don't really have anything extra to be happy about, other than the fact I'm breathing and do have shelter at the moment.

Dogs, pet dogs, cats, have more to be happy about than I do, cause at least the get unconditional love from their owners, and owners friends....I get nothing except scowls.

Anyways, yes, I'm still sober...and it's getting easier and easier to stay sober throughout the weekends.

In the past, being sober on the weekend was unthinkable for me...but that's cause I worked. I've been unemployed for around 5 months now, so don't have that 'Yes, it's the weekend' thrill anymore.

But weekends still feel good regardless, cause it's when all the bill collection and other capital crap stops.
Speaking of, I gotta pay rent tonight, it's the 3rd day, after today get fined like 100 a day thereafter.

Screw rent.

That's for another blog post.

But ye, as of now, sober, and feeling pretty decent....my body that is...my life still basically sucks and is full of uncertainty.

[Admin]

I wasn't in good shape, I was in dying shape.

Kind of a morbid way to look at it, but it's the truth.
I fooled myself these last few years, telling myself because I worked out a few days a week for less than 30 minutes, that I was in shape, and that those short workouts would counter any drinking I did...wrong!

Now that I'm getting into real shape, I realize I wasn't in shape, rather I was in dying shape.
Sorry, but it takes not hours, or days, or even weeks, but rather months, sometimes years, to get into optimal shape; and the older you get, just add more time to that.

I've been working out steadily for a month now or more, and just now barely getting where I should of been years ago if I didn't start drinking, or other things...
Driving long distances in the day at my old job didn't help either, truck driving for long hours at a time is terrible for your body and mind. It wears you body and mind out at the same time.

Anyways, yes, I'm in decent shape now, not great shape, just decent shape...would get wiped out by even people older than me who still run marathons...heck, I slow jog just 50 yard at a time and want to pound my chest.

You're in shape when your legs feel like springs beneath you, and not logs.

I'm getting there, again, slowly but surely.

[Admin]

So glad I didn't cave in and drink today.
It's the last thing my mind and body would have needed.
I gotta meet someone tomorrow to discuss an art project, and I need to be mentally sharp, enthused, focused and eager....drinking tonight would of stolen all that from me and I'd of shown up at meeting high on caffeine.

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The sobriety road is a long one, don't let anyone fool you.
Drunkness is like gravity, it continues to pull at you weeks, months, after you've stopped drinking altogether or regularly.

But the further you get away from that gravity, the easier it becomes to move in the opposite direction.

I actually have energy right now, but my mind, my drive, is flat. My mind is out of alignment with my body, I suppose, at the moment and all day.

But at least I didn't drink today, if nothing else, I'm happy about that.

[Admin]

I feel like drinking right now, but don't want all the side effects



I feel like drinking right now, or being emotionally taken to the spot drinking takes me to, but without the lingering side effects that always follow.

Wish I could get that drunk utopic feeling, without actually flooding the body with booze, which is bad for you, of course.
I'm working hard to get into shape, and I'm my own worst enemy, in that regard, most of us are indeed our own worst enemies.

But now that sober, I have energy, and afternoons, evenings, just seem to drag when sober, and that's a good thing, cause time is precious. But what I'm saying is when it drags, it makes me want to drink to make the dragging time more fun to myself.

That's just how drinkers think, I suppose.
When going sober, you really have to totally re-arrange you're whole mindset.
Even as I type this I feel like drinking, just so can relax.