The many faces of depression explored here

[Admin]

Right now I don't feel like there's much difference between life and death, and that's for sure not a good mental state, frame of mind or mood to be in.

[Admin]

I've lived a empty life for the last decade or so, yet now ust noticing it, wow.

Why didn't I notice it before?

1. Drinking on days off, and on spare time, always putting nutty ideas in my head and mind, when drunk or drinking, you don't have time to focus on depressing stuff, I guess.

2. I'd usually have mini projects going on...drones, radio, podcasting, art, ect.
But all those have played their course now, so now what? I ask myself.

3. Usually always had some male figure in my life to chat with over the phone, as in a distant phone friend, or people maybe I'd meet at work...now I have none of that, current job just isolates you from the world, show up alone, work alone, go home alone.

Now that I think about it, current job probably single handedly contributing to the empty feeling I have, more so than anything else.
I thought having so much time off would be good, and it is, as long as have something to fill that off time up with.
and for a while I did, but now I really don't, nothing passionate about anyways.

Tried getting into the volunteering mindset a while back, but it never went anywhere, but it's still a great way to meet new people outside of normal contacts...I suppose.

Anyways, I better figure out something soon, cause I've read if not thrilled about life and being alive, your body will just shut down.

[easyrider]

One way, to try to make myself feel better, even if a bit down, is by always grooming.
I don't think most males take into account how important grooming is, not blue collar ones anyways.

Most blue collar males I see ust look utterly, facially, sloppy and unshaven, I guess cause they have women and children to bounce their masculinity off of.
But when single, all you have is yourself, and when look in the mirror, for me anyways, it's important I look groomed, like I still matter to myself and or the world.

Most women do the same thing, if you notice, in that women can work the same blue collar ob that a man does, but at end of day, the woman, for whatever reason, still looks fresh and groomed.
Looking good is a mindset, and one that's not gender specific.

Corporate males, on the other hand, they do understand grooming and styling and looking good, cause in the corporate world, physical image, your own, can make or break deals.

[Admin]

I wait all these years to be able to talk to my Mother again, and now that I am, I feel helpless to help or do anything.

We're super far apart, I hate flying, and I'm not rich.

[Admin]

Going through some kind of odd depression right now, in that at this exact moment, my life has zero meaning to me, or anyone else.
I don't know, maybe it's alcohol withdrawal since haven't drank in about 4 days.
I don't feel happy, if anything I feel disqusted with people I live around, or some.

Mainly ______ people who just don't seem to have no reason to be here, in this society, other than to create social chaos, crime and mayhem.

[Admin]

I feel like I'm deteritating away into nothing, that's just my current mood, and or physiological state of mind....which is always changing...I could feel different by this late afternoon.

But right now, I feel how I feel, and nothing can change that.
I even walked in the park earlier, but then came home and sat, and tried to sleep, or feel into a half sleep.
No motivation, and inspired by nothing anymore, I'm going to have to change that.
And also, there's something in my diet that shouldn't be there, and I can't pinpoint it yet.

Could even be a suppliment, or maybe my increased red meat consumption, I barely eat read meat compared to most others who do...I mean one steak will last me a week...I just can't imagine eating a whole steak in one sitting anymore, that's way to much meat, for the gut, at my age...I guess....everyones different...and I've trained my gut to not eat so much of anything anymore.

Sometimes I get muscle aches, not sure if it's to do with me not drinking so much as of late, or other inflammatory causes....I never go to the doctor so have to figure this stuff out on my own.

I've been off for 4 days, should be happy, even though work tomorrow, but I'm not, instead I feel unfulfilled and without desire anymore.

The new America is scarying me, with no rules, with traditions being wiped out, and with foreignors everywhere, and out of control crime and working types being priced out of everything.

Just not sure what to look forward to going forward anymore....God, heaven?

Anyways, I still got some day left, maybe the 'to do list' can get me up and moving around.

[Admin]

Yep, I've fallen into a moral slump as of late, for sure.
Usually I bounce back from these things by studying what is making me feel the way I do to begin with, but also usually it's youth, health, and hope for my own future that gets me through times like this.

But now, i don't know.
I think I'm down cause it's just an accumilation of many things, including the direction of the nation under Biden.

A lot of the comfort of getting old comes from knowing or believing, your nations will be there to take care of you, meaning law and order and safety, but when you see that law, order and safety going away, it can be unnerving, and then add to that inflation, and high rent costs; then suddenly the future starts looking frightening.

But in the past never let any of that get from me until about 4 months ago when almost had to leave this place and realized when I leave here I really have no other place to go. That realization set into motion all kinds of other depressing thoughts.
I don't want my last years on this earth to be miserable ones, who does.

Oh well, it's why I always say happiness has to, many times, be an illusion, or a belief that things will get better, even if they don't.

[Admin]

Also, happiness comes from the belief that you're being heard.
But I've noticed over the years, the more the internet taken over by bots, and other human filth, the less views websites get, forums get, the less your links are allowed to 'get out there'...it's like those who control the flow of information have once agains shrank the influence of common people, are ability to be heard, unless we bow to their thrown.

Actually, even if bow to their thrown, they still don't want common people being heard.
Humans are sick, the longer I live, the less I think any god would die for our sins.

[Admin]

Sorry, but just haven't been myself lately. I'm just not the same, don't have the same goofy, silly, youthful enthusiasm about anything, at the moment.

That goofy, silly, youthful enthusiasm is what shielded me for years, from the harsh realities of life, and or even my own future on this here planet they call earth.

I'm trying hard to find myself right now, post, or semi post drinking.
I've cut back a lot, and sobriety is like a hit and miss, mainly a hit, as of late, in that sobriety is slowly gaining the upper ground; but with that does come set backs. And with those set backs come mood changes and physiological inconsistancies in my body, mind and soul.
It's a weird time for me.
For years, it was boozing that fueled a lot of passion in me, when like away from work, and off.
But now, if, when, I drink a lot of beers, it just hits me differently, especially the next day, or following days.
So I'm trying to find balance right now, trying to find my true self again, what makes me happy, who makes me happy and so forth.

Sometimes I wish I had just died a happy drunk, rather than live out a long drury life of getting old.
But ye, right now, just waiting for a hero side of me to emerge, a side of myself that can still be young minded, goofy and silly, but without the booze, we shall see.

[Admin]

As I sit here, I don't feel like there's much that can make me happy right now, nothing within my power to obtain anyways.