The many faces of depression explored here

[Admin]

I've kind of fallen into a post trip slump.
I visited my aging Mother, went back to the town I was raised in, it was both sad and other.

But now I feel like 'what's left'??
They're getting older, still spunky but visibly older, I'm getting older, where are the good days now?

I have no ____ of my own, so what do i have to look back on to make me happy?
When they're gone, that's it...nothing is left...and I guess that thought or idea is hitting me harder than I thought.

I have no immediate solution, and I can't keep drinking to pretend everything is good, or will be.

[Admin]

Like right now, I'm off, off work that is, but there's no 'spunk', there was yesterday, cause I was drinking, but there's none now...and it's to late at night for coffee or caffeine, so I'm just stuck feeling the way I feel.
Love, being love, gives you a natural high, but when you lack that, where do you get that natural high from?

[Admin]

it's also a bit depressing knowing I can't save money like I used to cause prices, rent, everything keeps going up.
And I'm not willing to kill myself, or my body, working extra hours or some job I hate, just to pay basic bills...not at my age...so I'll have to figure out a different route going forward.

[Admin]

I've got no reason to get out of bed today, none.

I don't see no light, seems every direction is dark...I just don't see any light, as of now.

[Admin]

But also learning emotions do no good, emotions just drain you.
Emotions are wonderful when you're happy, surrounded by love, but when alone and abandoned, emotions can really harm you, work against you.

[Admin]

When you lose motivation



When you lose motivation, life can begin to feel really heavy.

[Admin]

What scares me the most right now, is the idea of getting older, and just living just to get by.
My creative side is such an important part of who I am, but you need to be in a stable environment to do so.

The side the world sees when I show up to work isn't all of me, and I don't really like that side...I mean I do, but it bugs me that people can't see I'm much more than that.

I don't want my creative side to ever die, my creative side is what keeps my spirit alive....not that I've ever made money from my creative art, and it's many forms...but still.

I fear just turning into some mundane older worker who's lost their 'shine'.

[Admin]

Tomorrow really scares the hell out of me right now



Tomorrow really seems like a scary place to me right now.
Everything annoys me right now, including this dude on the radio 'Chad Benson'...goofball...I had to turn the radio off.
Everyone like to yap on the radio, especially older white men, who are more vain and self centered than women are, actually.

That aside, just in a post drinking type of mood. My body just doesn't do well with lot's of drinking anymore...and to me, my body, 4-6 can's of beer is a lot.

Then the next day, as in today, I feel like I'm in a grave and trying to climb out.
It effects my emotions, how I feel about myself, others, and life in general.

So why do I still drink if it causes me such afterwards turmoil?
I really don't know...loneliness maybe?
I was doing so well too, was dry for 6 days prior, then had to ruin it by drinking some beers, going out, and just ugg.

I need to get back on the happy medium I was on prior to me drinking yesterday...not there yet.

[Admin]

I feel like I'm basically doomed.

Doomed can mean different things to different people.
To me, at this stage of my life, being doomed is that day I finally realize and recognize that none of my aspirations or dreams will come true...and that all that blabbering 'We all have a purpose' stuff, just never applied to me.

I have no purpose, other than the money I spend.
I matter to no one, haven't for decades.
I'm just here, fooling myself, convincing myself that there's more, that I was meant for more..yeah, OK.


Also, being alone will give you a different perspective about others, yourself, God, nation, society and more, that when always with someone or romantically paired, you don't get.

Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be in a healthy relationship with another, paired, and not know what I know now, than to know what I know now and be alone.

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And that aside, truth is, is that if I haven't gotten it right by now, I never will...that's the fact Jack.
But of course, I can't allow myself to feel that way or I'd emotionally crumble, crack, so like most, I continue to feed myself a hopeful dream, just as a way of keeping my moral up.

[Admin]

I'm not clinically depressed, but I am emotionally depressed right now over my circumstances.
I will be starting a new job which even though I applied for and probably got, I'm already hating.

Not so much the job but rather the whole system of abuse, of once being hired not having a say in anything and being watched and observed like a rat in a cage by others I do not respect.

The idea of losing control of your schedule, after being off for so long, that's a sickening feeling to me, losing control of my own schedule once again.
Coming home after work and being way to tired and wore out to do anything meaningful, that's when whole swaths of weeks go by where all you do is come home, zombie around, go to bed, get up the next day and live for the job rather than yourself.

Of course I'm speaking a labor job, and not a career that one loves, big difference.
But I just ran out of time and money and so, well, here's where I'm at once again.
And it sucks, totally sucks, like entering into a very bad marriage....once again...www.thetruckersreport.com/truckingindustryforum/threads/trucking-can-be-like-a-bad-marriage.68681/